Rain Turned Thunderstorm

Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

I wish I could sit here and admit that the mourning, crying, and pain stopped, but I'd be lying. From March 16th when we received our down syndrome diagnosis through the following four days until March 20th, I was in a haze. I didn't leave the house. I hardly got out of bed, and if I did, it was only to move to the couch. I had no appetite and hardly ate. I researched... and researched... and researched every detail there was to know about down syndrome. I wanted to find and read only the success stories of other mothers who were given a false positive for down syndrome. I ONLY wanted to read about the time the blood tests FAILED and not the times where the blood tests were accurate.

Friday, March 17th, we received a call from our OBGYN that we were being referred to a fetal specialist who would look more closely at an ultrasound to find any abnormalities or irregularities to confirm or deny the suspected diagnosis. So, an appointment was scheduled for March 20th. Michael and I both went to work Monday and tried our best to hold our heads high. Confession: To this point, I had not fully (or even at all) surrendered to God. Yes, I might have been closing my eyes and bowing my head for prayer, but I don't believe I was truly relinquishing control and allowing God full authority. On the other hand, I don't believe I was letting the doctors either. There were so many mixed emotions that I didn't know what to believe, feel, do, or say. I'm not sure anybody could have told me how to either.

The time came, March 20th at 2:30PM... appointment time. We had a VERY intense 90-minute ultrasound completed. Of course, I couldn't do ANYTHING but stare at my angel's face. I was looking for any indication that would answer all the questions jam-packed tightly in my head. Was there a nose bone and nasal bridge? Were there almond-shaped eyes? Was his/her face predominately flat? Keep in mind... We still didn't know baby's gender and wouldn't for another month. Little did I know, our fetal specialist was looking for SO, SO, SO much more. She was observing the heart, the brain, the spine, the femurs, and all the internal organs. Woah... Wait! There could possibly be much worse abnormalities and physical defects that affected the health of our baby and not just their appearance? We had no idea.... But, oh how we were about to find out. Abruptly.

When we finished the lengthy ultrasound, we were directed to a private room where we would wait what felt like three hours for the doctor to come in with opposing and contrasting news that would contradict the down syndrome diagnosis we heard four days prior.

She didn't come in with such news. Instead, we were knocked breathless and shaken to our cores with the news we did hear. What she saw:

- a cystic hygroma (fluid/swelling around the neck and spine)

- five cysts in the brain

- abdominal blockage

- a possible heart defect with one of the four heart valves

She continued... "All symptoms align and very strongly indicate and suggest down syndrome."

Then, even more... "There's nothing that can be done. Symptoms, defects, and abnormalities will either get much worse or they will start to somewhat heal themselves slowly on their own in utero."

There's no diet change, surgery, medication, or scientific/medical intervention that can be done to assist healing.

At the conclusion of the appointment, we were given three options:

1. terminate our pregnancy

2. have an amniocentesis and other intrusive tests done, or...

3. nothing; wait and see.

With that, I don't have much more to say because you can probably already imagine the rest. I have learned that as a mother, there is nothing worse than the feeling of helplessness, and that was the number one feeling running through my veins. My angel, at a time when he needed me the most, couldn't be reached.

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It's been several weeks (14 to be exact) since we first stepped foot into East Alabama Maternal Fetal Medicine and received the news of each of the symptoms seen via ultrasound.

Abortion was out of the question the second it was offered, but we also denied any further testing. We declined the amniocentesis and rejected any invasive tests that would give us a more accurate diagnosis. Because at that point, there was nothing any doctor could tell us that we would believe over God's Word. We didn't want to put our baby's life in jeopardy anymore than it already was. Michael and I believe in a healing God that can work miracles of restoration - both physically and emotionally. And that's what He has done. God has healed our baby physically. He has healed my heart emotionally. He has healed Michael's head mentally.

The truth is, for several weeks I felt so guilty for all the feelings I was feeling. I put on a fake smile and acted like I was okay - even for my husband. I believed that by saying I had hope and FAITH all my negative emotions, fears, and doubts were wrong and shouldn't be felt. I thought others would shame me if they knew the awful thoughts popping into my mind. And, to be completely raw, I thought that maybe God WOULDN'T fulfill His promise if I didn't have "perfect" faith but instead would turn away at the bluntness and intensity of my feelings and emotions. So, I swallowed them and tried my best to ignore them. I physically engaged in prayers, but I didn't open my heart to the Lord during them. In short... I was numb. I wasn't allowing myself to grieve, but I also wasn't doing anything to lift myself out of grief.

Here's the thing though, y'all... Having faith doesn't mean we can't feel all the feels. Emotional honesty IS a part of faith. We matter to God. But also how we feel matters to God. He loves us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). This means He will love us, no matter what, forever.

God can empathize and relate to our emotions and feelings because God was human. As God's children, we are made of flesh and blood. The Son of God was that, too - flesh and blood (Hebrews 2:14). He had a human mind (Luke 22:44). He had a human soul that felt feelings and showed emotions (Matthew 26:28; Hebrews 5:7). Now, He is God (Philippians 2:6-7).

What God was, He remained. What He was not, He became (1 Timothy 3:16). Therefore, Jesus understands our hearts (Hebrews 2:17-18) and can be trusted with our honesty about how we are feeling and the pain we are facing. Not only does he understand, but He desires for us to share that pain with and cast them unto Him (1 Peter 5:7).

When I realized this, I also realized that living in pain alone was distracting me from my purpose.

That's why I am here. I surrendered to God and laid it all down at His feet. And just as He promised, all things are working together for good for we have chosen to love and serve Him faithfully (Romans 8:28).

As I said earlier, on March 20th I felt like the beautiful angel inside my womb couldn't be reached. I was so wrong. Baby boy inside my belly is first-and-foremost God's son. He knew him first and He loved him first. The ONLY person who CAN reach him right now is God. So we have laid our son's health, heart, fate, and future in the hands of our Father and continue to trust that He has and will work all things out for good. He hasn't failed us yet. He has cared for His precious son just as He promised He would.

"Those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:3)

Thank you, God, for clear skies and the beautiful rainbow we see each day because of your promise. Thank you, Father, for your unfailing, everlasting love. Thank you for healing and restoration that can only be done by your hands. Thank you for the gift you have given Michael and I of being this precious boy's parents. Thank you for empathy and compassion towards our feelings. Thank you for your understanding and forgiveness. Thank you for running to us when we feel like running away. Thank you, Lord, for never forsaking us. Thank you, most of all, for trusting us with this testimony and for the purpose you have placed on our lives. We are grateful for you. We give you all the glory and all the honor. In your name we pray, Amen.

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An article that has really helped my was written by Bonnie Gray. It is titled "Having Anxiety or Depression Doesn’t Mean Your Faith Is Flawed" and can be found at the link attached. Please give it a read if you are suffering with a mental illness or if you are struggling in your walk of faith.