Growing up with a dire DREAM to become a mother, I never allowed myself or let it cross my mind that there could be pregnancy complications. I imagined the "glow" all women talk about and imagined I would have a cute bump, take the precious monthly growth pictures, make belly casts, and sit in the nursery while writing letters to my soon-to-be-child. Then again, what women DOES predict difficulties?
Funny... because pregnancy is not at all what I had imagined - physically, emotionally, or mentally.
Along with our diagnosis (from doctors, and ONLY doctors, NOT JESUS), plantar fasciitis, carpal tunnel, swelling, frequent urination, weight gain, insomnia, "pregnancy brain," and many other symptoms have been VERY awakening for this pregnant momma!
Mentally and emotionally, I've been scared, anxious, worried, and allowed every "What if?" question in the book to surface.
What kept me going? Faith in God. Trust in God. Love from God. Most of all, prayer to God. I have looked to the Lord; I have and will continue to wait for the God of my salvation; for my God hears me. (Micah 7:7)
"Rain before rainbows, clouds before sun, night before daybreak, a new day's begun. A day full of promise, a day full of light. The morning is breaking, and the morning is bright."
- Smriti Halls
To this point, at twelve weeks into our pregnancy.... We'd gotten the positive test result. We'd had our pregnancy confirmed. We'd shared our exciting news with the world. We'd seen our peanut through ultrasound - twice. What could be wrong? Well, just like every beautiful rainbow, we were headed for the pre-storm.
On March 2nd, we went in for a simple check-up. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat. Raw and real like I promised coming in 3... 2..
I hadn't had a "connection" with the baby yet. I knew I was pregnant, but up to this point, there weren't many physical changes. Therefore, I didn't FEEL like I was pregnant.
As soon as the nurse laid the fetal doppler to my belly and I heard that 148bpm steady heartbeat, it hit me - HARD! I was overcome with so many emotions, and for the first time I bonded with my precious peanut. I FINALLY felt like the MOTHER I already was! My angel, oh my angel, that sweet sound has kept me grounded each day of this journey. (Mommas and daddies, RECORD THAT SWEET SOUND EVERY CHANCE YOU GET!)
After that meaningful moment, the doctor came in and asked if we would like to have the genetic blood test done. Michael and I looked at each other, shrugged, and responded "Sure?!" with uncertainty. We didn't ask questions. We didn't know what the test would actually check for. We should have. (YOU SHOULD, TOO! It's okay to ask each and every question! I encourage it!)
They drew blood, sent it off to a lab, and told us to come back in two weeks for results. Cool. Sounds good. Not phased. Not worried. Why should we be?
March 16th... A date that forever changed our lives.
We headed back to the OBGYN for what we expected to be another optimistic, "Everything looks great!" praise report. But....
That's not what we got.
Our OBGYN came in and abruptly announced that my blood test confirmed our child in utero POTENTIALLY, at a high 94% chance, HAD (yes, HAD, and not HAS because we believe in a God who HEALS - Jeremiah 33:6) a disorder...
Down Syndrome.
I think he could tell we were shocked, taken aback, in disbelief, consumed with questions. He repeated the diagnosis several times. And each time was another breath-taking punch to the stomach.
This is when I turned AWAY from God. BIG mistake. We left the doctor's office and headed home. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball in my bed and weep with sadness and anger. HOWEVER, God sent His disciples - His hands and feet - to be at our house waiting to lift us up and give us the strength that had just been so quickly ripped from us. In a matter of two-to-three hours, I went from broken and shattered to hopeful and faithful. I went from hanging my head in defeat to pointing my eyes to Jesus. I went from pure darkness to seeing His light.
No, it isn't ALWAYS bright. The rainbow isn't ALWAYS gleaming and beaming. I am not a perfect Christian, and I do not claim to be. My feelings and emotions DO take over and take control. I do question Him when I shouldn't, and I do still have my occasional doubts. But the Holy Spirit always comes running for me, restores me, holds me, comforts me, and those dark clouds once again break apart and break away. His rainbow is the sign of the covenant between He and the earth. (Genesis 9:13). His rainbow is a reminder to Michael and I that He will not leave nor forsake us.
For HOURS on March 16th, our family and friends brought their bibles and brought CHURCH! (Especially my mother-in-law, Tammy Keyes!) They came to PREACH! They came to PROTECT! We physically STOOD on our bibles (God's Word), placed hands on my belly, prayed and praised. We did the one and only thing God wants us to do - we gave it all over to him. He wants us to cast all our fears and anxieties to Him because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” (Jeremiah 1:5) God wasn't in shock. God wasn't taken aback. God wasn't in disbelief. For God already knew the results, and He'd already sent a solution. He'd already miraculously healed, and He was wanting us to believe Him for it. He was in the waiting.
Because here's what we know for sure... whether down syndrome or not; whether brown hair or blonde, whether blue eyes or brown; whether no toes or ten...
This beautiful gift from the Lord is fearfully and wonderfully made in God's perfect image. And now in ours. It's our job to make sure this baby boy knows that and that the rest of the world does, too. It's our job now to change the stigma and speak up for ANY child with a disorder, syndrome, or diagnosis. It's our most important purpose and calling to bring people closer to HIM through our story and our testimony. And that is what I will spend the rest of my life doing!
The healing that we have been able to witness in our bi-weekly ultrasounds with our fetal specialist brings me to my knees; they bring heavy tears to my eyes; they bring so much joy to my heart. I want to shout in the streets and on top of mountains all that God is doing. The journey from March 16th didn't automatically start going uphill. The days and ultrasounds that followed showed just as much (if not more) concern.
But GOD.
But GOD.
BUT GOD!!
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